B-A-Light Productions

Due to the overwhelming responds I got from part one of my story I have decided to start my own blog and journal my journey through healing to freedom. My prayer is that my experience will help others, who have lost, to be free from guilt and grieve. You can follow me by clicking here. Please share this with someone who needs it. I know it is helping me and I want it to help others. I will still post articles here at B-A-Light Productions from time to time. You can follow me on Twitter also.

Due to the overwhelming responds I got from part one of my story I have decided to start my own blog and journal my journey through healing to freedom. My prayer is that my experience will help others, who have lost, to be free from guilt and grieve. You can follow me by clicking here. Please share this with someone who needs it. I know it is helping me and I want it to help others. I will still post articles here at B-A-Light Productions from time to time. You can follow me on Twitter also.

God really laid it on my heart to tell you guys my story.  It is too long to post in one blog, so I am going to post it in sections over the course of the next week.  Please read it and enjoy.  Thanks, Jennifer

I am about to write about something that is very difficult for me to write about.  In fact the thought of writing about this sends me into a panic attack.  It is a subject that I have been avoiding for almost six years.  It is about the guilt I feel surrounding my daughter, Rebecca’s, death.  So why am I writing about it?  Refining.  I have been doing a study called “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore, and she has been talking about refining and the trials that we go through.  She said self protection is the stumbling block for not fulfilling your calling.  And that is exactly what I do when I tell of my daughter’s death.  “How did she die?”  That question brings an earth shattering fear in the pit of my stomach.  Fear of Judgement and Rejection.

There is a small mystery to her death.  I am not completely sure what happened except for a series of very unfortunate events.  It all started on a Sunday night.  She was playing in the parking lot at the front of the church.  She ran toward another child who was being swung in the air by a young adult and was knocked off of her feet.  Though I did not see it personally, I knew that she had hit the pavement very hard, and those who saw it say that she bounced.  There was no goose egg (I know now that is a bad sign) but she seemed fine.  No throwing up, no sleepiness, nothing.

Later that week (Wednesday afternoon), we were at the church waiting out the couple of hours before church began.  She seemed fussy, I remember she acted like she needed a nap and I knew she had been battling an ear infection, so I laid her down and tried to make her take a nap.  But she would not lay down, she just stood there and cried.  So, I picked her up and took her back to where Eric and I were.  I remember she acted almost as if her head was bothering her…almost like she had a bad sinus headache and it hurt to move it.  The next day though, Rebecca was fine.  By this point, I had forgotten about the fall earlier in the week and I did not put the two together.  We also did not have any health insurance at the time so we did not go running to the doctor either (reason # 1 for my guilt).

So that brings us to Saturday.  Everything was going as normal.  We were expecting a visit from my parents and were busy cleaning and preparing for their visit.  They arrived that afternoon and Rebecca had to warm up to them which was a little unusual, but it did not take her long.  I remember my mom and dad lying down to take a nap after their long 7 hour drive and they closed the door so they would not be disturbed.  Rebecca was not quite two and just starting to talk a little.  I remember her standing at the guest room door, with her hand on it, and  I told her to say “Please” and she said “Peeeeasss.”  Tired or not how do you resist that?  My mom could not resist letting her in there.  A few minutes later I heard it.  She was playing on the bed with my mom and dad, and she fell.  The fall shook the apartment.  I ran into check on her and she was crying.  When she saw me she reached for me and I took her into my arms and held her and kissed her.   But she would not be comforted.  She started pushing me away and I stood her next to me and she continued to through what appeared to be a fit.  Then she lost consciousness and that is when we realized she was having a seizure.

To Be Continued….

Read Part 2 here!

As someone who has experienced having and then losing a child, I understand what pride and joy is, and then the emptiness that follows when it has been ripped from you.  This morning as I went through my normal routine I considered the question of how does a couple obtain pride and joy in their life in the absence of children?    Whether you have lost your only child or you feel “Barren” because you have yet to be blessed with that gift, I believe the emptiness is the same. 

My life for the past few years has been empty and meaningless.  I have just existed only doing what is necessary to keep the relationships around me healthy but shutting out the rest of the world.  I have tried to fill that emptiness with everything imaginable, tv, games, books, internet, anything to keep my mind in a perfect imaginary world and out of my painful one, but all of those things only made my life more miserable and empty.  Today, as I pondered that question, I thought to myself, “Why do we have this overwhelming urge to reproduce?”  For me, it has been a dream since childhood to be a mommy, so why did God give me this dream only for it to feel crushed after so many years of trying?  Unfortunately, I do not have the answer for that one, but I believe I have found an answer for the emptiness that stems from it.  Fill that void with God and LIVE YOUR LIFE!  Take advantage of not having to chase after kids and start chasing after God, read your Bible, Pray, and then do something productive and that brings joy to your life.  Figure out what talent God has given you and do it.  Make new friends, and spend time with Family and people who make you laugh.  Don’t spend too much time in the four walls of your house moping and depressed and lonely, get out!   Go for a walk.  Do something other than just exist.  God created us to do so much more than what we are doing. 

So my prayer Lord, is that you will fill this void in my life, and help me to chase you, for your dream is bigger than mine.