God really laid it on my heart to tell you guys my story. It is too long to post in one blog, so I am going to post it in sections over the course of the next week. Please read it and enjoy. Thanks, Jennifer
I am about to write about something that is very difficult for me to write about. In fact the thought of writing about this sends me into a panic attack. It is a subject that I have been avoiding for almost six years. It is about the guilt I feel surrounding my daughter, Rebecca’s, death. So why am I writing about it? Refining. I have been doing a study called “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore, and she has been talking about refining and the trials that we go through. She said self protection is the stumbling block for not fulfilling your calling. And that is exactly what I do when I tell of my daughter’s death. “How did she die?” That question brings an earth shattering fear in the pit of my stomach. Fear of Judgement and Rejection.
There is a small mystery to her death. I am not completely sure what happened except for a series of very unfortunate events. It all started on a Sunday night. She was playing in the parking lot at the front of the church. She ran toward another child who was being swung in the air by a young adult and was knocked off of her feet. Though I did not see it personally, I knew that she had hit the pavement very hard, and those who saw it say that she bounced. There was no goose egg (I know now that is a bad sign) but she seemed fine. No throwing up, no sleepiness, nothing.
Later that week (Wednesday afternoon), we were at the church waiting out the couple of hours before church began. She seemed fussy, I remember she acted like she needed a nap and I knew she had been battling an ear infection, so I laid her down and tried to make her take a nap. But she would not lay down, she just stood there and cried. So, I picked her up and took her back to where Eric and I were. I remember she acted almost as if her head was bothering her…almost like she had a bad sinus headache and it hurt to move it. The next day though, Rebecca was fine. By this point, I had forgotten about the fall earlier in the week and I did not put the two together. We also did not have any health insurance at the time so we did not go running to the doctor either (reason # 1 for my guilt).
So that brings us to Saturday. Everything was going as normal. We were expecting a visit from my parents and were busy cleaning and preparing for their visit. They arrived that afternoon and Rebecca had to warm up to them which was a little unusual, but it did not take her long. I remember my mom and dad lying down to take a nap after their long 7 hour drive and they closed the door so they would not be disturbed. Rebecca was not quite two and just starting to talk a little. I remember her standing at the guest room door, with her hand on it, and I told her to say “Please” and she said “Peeeeasss.” Tired or not how do you resist that? My mom could not resist letting her in there. A few minutes later I heard it. She was playing on the bed with my mom and dad, and she fell. The fall shook the apartment. I ran into check on her and she was crying. When she saw me she reached for me and I took her into my arms and held her and kissed her. But she would not be comforted. She started pushing me away and I stood her next to me and she continued to through what appeared to be a fit. Then she lost consciousness and that is when we realized she was having a seizure.
To Be Continued….
Read Part 2 here!
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